In a world teeming with eligible bachelors, one man has risen above the rest - quite literally, as he’s often found scaling cinder block poles at your local AMC. That’s right, folks: Everyone is dating Zach now, and if you’re not, you’re basically living in the Stone Age.

Here’s why the masses have collectively decided Zach is The One:

1. He’s Basically a Human Goat

While you were struggling to open a pickle jar, Zach was free-soloing the structural supports of a Regal Cinemas. His climbing prowess isn’t just impressive - it’s necessary. Need something from the top shelf? Zach’s already there. Locked out of your apartment? Zach will ascend the drainpipe like a romantic, slightly unhinged Spider-Man.

2. He’s Got a PhD in Footwear

Working at a shoe store isn’t just a job for Zach - it’s a calling. This man can tell you everything about arch support while simultaneously making you question why you’ve been wearing the wrong sneakers your whole life. First date? He’ll size you up (literally) and recommend the perfect pair for your lifestyle. Second date? He’s already custom-ordering you orthotics. That’s love.

3. He’s a Beacon in the Dark (Literally)

His profile photo speaks volumes: Zach, bathed in the glow of a headlamp, pouring honey directly into his mouth. This isn’t just a picture; it’s a manifesto. It declares: “I am here, I am unconventional, and I will embrace the sticky sweetness of life (and possibly get it all over my face).” If you’re looking for someone who doesn’t conform to societal norms and enjoys a good, unadulterated sugar rush, Zach is your man. Scientists still don’t know why this is so hypnotic, but studies confirm it increases attraction by at least 300%.

4. He Comes with a Built-In Pack of Adoring Fans

Zach doesn’t just have a dog - he has four. That’s four times the wagging tails, four times the slobbery kisses, and four times the judgment if you don’t immediately start petting them. (Zach also requires pets. It’s a package deal.)

5. He’s the Most Organized Chaos Gremlin You’ll Ever Meet

His spice rack is alphabetized. His climbing gear is color-coded. His soul probably has a filing system. And yet, this is the same man who once entered a party by climbing through a window like a Victorian-era burglar with a flirting license. The duality of Zach is what makes him unstoppable.

6. He’s a Flirt, and He’s Not Sorry

Zach doesn’t just flirt - he does it with the confidence of a man who knows he can escape any awkward situation by simply scaling the nearest building. Rejection? Never heard of her. Zach’s charm is a law of physics, and you’re just living in his gravitational pull.

Conclusion: Resistance Is Futile

You can try to avoid dating Zach, but let’s be real - he’s already in your DMs, your dog’s Instagram followers, and possibly your backyard after a daring window-based entrance. The world has spoken: Zach is the optimal partner, and if you’re not dating him, you’re basically just a background character in his rom-com.

So go ahead. Slide into those honey-lit DMs. Your future (and four very good dogs) awaits.